 |
| T.J.R. |
Let me start this off by saying, I truly love my dad; we share a common bond that brings us together even when we
can’t
see eye to eye. The commonality is Christ.
When I rededicated my life to the Lord, he began to do a work in me
from the inside out. Truth is, I’ve struggled
with having a healthy relationship with my father for over a decade.
I am the youngest
of his four, and maybe the most outspoken in terms of his
truancy in our lives. I never could understand why he was never around
on a consistent basis. As a child, the only thing I could depend on him to be was
undependable.
My father's currently serving a sentence in
upstate Pennsylvania for a carjacking over fifteen years ago. He has been in
and out of jail my entire life. When I was younger, I often fantasized about him
rescuing me from harm, but he never came. Institutionalized, my
father would try his many stints at living a “normal life”.
These would be the times I'd see him the most, he has always been a
presence in my life, just not a stable one.
The strongest women, and there are a lot of us, wants and needs their father in their life. In my opinion, it’s a vital
component in the introductory process of relationship building. Our
relationships with our fathers has direct impact, and is crucial to our interactions with men!
Some would disagree with that statement, but in my opinion, it’s only because
of denial.
I
was in denial for years about that very statement, but the truth of
the matter was, I was searching for something or someone I could trust and protect me. Having my dad around on a periodical basis made me uncertain of his
true desire to be a part of my life. The countless times I would sit
and wait for him to "come and get me", only to have my mother
heartlessly tell me that he wasn’t coming. Then there were times I
would see him, and he would be my hero again. This vicious cycle went on for years.
I would visit his side of
the family, my sisters and brother, grandmom, aunt, and cousins.
He would say “You need to know your family Sine”. I loved when he
called me Sine;
it
made me feel connected to him. It didn’t matter if he was taken me
to the corner store, or to a hit house, I was with MY DAD! Honestly
speaking, I don’t believe my father was capable at the time to care for
anybody other than himself. He was, and to some degree still is
incapable of seeing outside of himself. His issue became my issues
as he plunged head first into his addiction. His affair with the
streets caused a void in my life, that’s taken me years to identify
with. I developed this unknowing attitude of “I’m not good
enough”. His not being around caused me to search
for him in every aspect of my life. I wanted and needed to be
accepted by him, and if not him, somebody.
As
an adult, my dad and I discuss and have argued about how vital his
role in my life was. My childhood was indescribably traumatic; a lot
of which he just didn’t know was going on. While he didn’t
directly abuse me, he allowed his self-absorption to neglect me. He
was well aware of my mother’s addictions and inability to properly care for us (we will get into that on another blog.). He
has shed many a tear of regret over the years as I’ve revealed to
him the things I have endured and survived.
Holy Spirit lead, I was able to verbalize to my father how his
actions have caused me pain. I
was able to express this to him in ways that only the Lord could have
made possible. When I got honest with myself, I was bitter, and held him hostage to
the pain I was going through. I held him personally responsible for
my life being screwed up and fragmented; though in my younger years, I didn’t exactly
express that to him.
Instead of confronting my father, I chose the passive aggressive route. I allowed my anger and disappointment to reveal itself in other ways like me not writing
him, visiting or just ignoring his many attempts at rebuilding some
type of relationship with me.
Later, he would explain in conversations how he thought we had a close relationship, and never
knew I felt this way. Well, anyone who has survived a childhood of
abuse, neglect, and dysfunction can tell you, they’ve
mastered how to put on a facade about most things. Until the pain hurts so bad that we become our own prisoners.
In closing, I truly believe its no coincidence that my father has survived cancer, numerous violent attacks, and a life riddled with drug abuse! I know that the Lord has had his hands on him this whole time. My father and I still have a few mountains to climb, but we are committed to Christ, Restoration, and each other! My dad is paying the time for his crimes, while FORGIVING has freed him and me from the emotional bondages from our past.
I can't change the past, but my Father in heaven holds our future. I've let go to make room for the blessings!
